Wednesday, March 2, 2011

From Dust to Dust

For once, I'm not going to try to be eloquent. There is no need for that now. I am actually writing to confess something very honest: I have not been writing for the right reasons lately. When I used to write, at least in blog form, it was because I had ideas I wanted to share. But over a long slow period of time, especially recently, I noticed that although the ideas themselves were genuine, they were a vehicle. More specifically, they were vehicle to garnish approval for myself. As time wore on, I began to measure the success of what I had written not by the words themselves but by how many people looked at them or liked them. This is a disservice to you and to myself alike.

I have been processing a lot this week about worth. Where do I get my sense of worth from? Because try as I might to insist that my worth comes from Christ (which it does), it becomes harder and harder to live that way the more I am wrapped around things like Facebook or blogging or any of the other things on the networking playground that can substitute "likes" and happy comments for true value. I realized quite suddenly this week that I was submersed in a pattern of seeking "approval" from my peers in a myriad of different forms, whether from smiles in person to the number of people that would see and like posts on Facebook. If I was successful, if the right people "liked" me, then it was a good day. Pensive days followed when I did not perceive I was "good enough." This blog is not exempt from that pattern, and for that I apologize.

I have been journaling almost all day it seems. Every spare moment found me scribbling away thoughts, verses, prayers, ideas...I think I am in a season, however brief, of re-learning my value. And that value certainly does not have to do with the number of doggy tricks I can do for a biscuit. So I'm disowning that today, or making some of the first intentional steps to do so. I'm committing not to glance at the number of times my blog has been read. For that matter, I think I'm bringing this whole blog endeavor inward. I have been in the habit of advertising most to all of my posts on Facebook, but I would like this to be a tighter knit community than that. Not that I never advertise a post again, but rather that I don't write with doing that in mind. I need to get back to writing for me, not for the masses. Facebook is a whole endeavor in itself, of course. But in all my actions, not just those in cyberworld, I need to be asking myself why. Why do I want to say this? Who am I trying to impress? Do I hope to gain something? I am whittling away at the things in me that remain inauthentic and hoping to come out more highly refined than before. May the best come of it.

Adieu,
Christy