Sigh. In summary, I love fall.
|Exhibit A: Sample Tucson Fall Attire|
But I continue to process, naturally. The topic of last time, while it may have sounded happy and polished in the blog post, has honestly been tearing me up for the last couple weeks. Why is it so hard to divorce myself from a works-based spirituality? Why is it so difficult to let myself be cherished and adored by God?
Here's a strange example (because I think about strange things when I walk to class). If some terrible calamity were to happen, I am much more settled with the idea of dying than I am of being permanently mangled. Why, I asked my myself? Because living a complicated, crippled, mangled life is not what I have categorized as "ideal" and I therefore would rather just not have it at all. (It might be different if I were actually in that situation, but this is just how I think.) I know that's sort of a morbid example, but it reflects my thoughts on most things actually, whether or not I acknowledge them. I want to do things right, because something in me cringes when things are not right. I took a test recently that I hadn't had time to study for (out of town), and I actually wrote an apology on the last page of the test to the professors for my poor performance, saying I would pick it up next time. I am so performance driven, because in an honest moment, I derive a frightening amount of my worth from how "good" I can be. And I carry the very same idea over into my walk with God.
So to have that challenged, that drive at the very heart of how I do everything, can throw a little bit of a wrench in my plans. Ya know what I'm sayin'? Because what do I do when I can't earn grace? I can't earn favor? I can't earn...anything? What do I do when very very little, if anything, is up to me?
This is why trust is not my forte.
Because in this case, trust is not dependent on me for my worth. I cannot do anything that will increase or decrease my worth in God's sight. I may neither earn nor fail to earn God's love. I cannot manipulate or control what God will do by being a better daughter. God is God. And He is good. And my job? Surrender. Beautiful surrender...surrender in the best sense. It's trusting the Good Physician to take hold of my heart, my whole heart, and to be a faithful steward of what is already His.
God says something pretty cool in Jeremiah 31:3: "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.'" And that's not just cool, that's downright astounding. I'm afraid we like to cheapen words, and to throw around phrases like "forever" without really meaning it. But when God says "everlasting" He means it. It looks like it's time I let Him, let Him love me that way.
Oh there's just so much more I could say.