Saturday, April 20, 2013

Dawn

I've often reflected that writing down one's thoughts is a little like butterfly catching. You can chase after them, but how you catch them is ever so important. Too rashly, and you'll ruin them. Not quickly enough and you'll lose them. And at the end of the day, some thoughts are so much better left free than pinned and permanently cast. Free to flutter carelessly on. Writing down a thought kills it, or so it seems at times.

Forgive me for being gentle with the next thoughts.

Honor. Yes, but not only honor. Tenderness, joy, the proverbial gentle and quiet spirit have swathed over my heart in creamy sunny yellow. Sitting next to a friend recently, I asked, "Do you ever feel like life couldn't get any better?"

It isn't that things have changed one way or another in my circumstances. It's that I am learning about trusting God to love me and provide for me in a way much more rich and tender than I commonly delegate to him. This month, I have watched God re-center my identity. I realized that I had been idolizing a future that may or may not even exist for me, and awoke to this moment as the one that I ought to be living. I learned to embrace my death because it meant that I could hold my life loosely and live it more fully. What is God's timing? What are my days? If I die young, goes the song, bury me in satin. Celebrate me, take it as your cue to live fully. But my life is not my own, never have I been more joyful about that. I don't want to die young in the same way that I don't have plans to fly to Australia tomorrow. But if it happened, I can't say that God's plans would be the worse for it, if only because we're not meant to cling to our lives. We're meant to cling to God.

I began to watch as I stepped on on little limbs of trusting God. God always came through as I prayed. Always. I began to reclaim the truth that God hears us and answers us and cares. I watched as He provided not just for my barest needs, but for the little whims of my heart that I hadn't even spoken aloud. Not only does He pay my rent sometimes, He pays attention, and sometimes that matters more. Perhaps it's coincidence. But I can't remember who said, "The coincidences happened a lot more often when I prayed."

I have been in a glowing dawn, I think. I have watched words that were formerly laced with skepticism now be embroidered with grace. I watched my heart soften and grow receptive. I faced fear. I felt my heart grow gentle and compassionate to the concerns, the lives, the joys and sorrows of others. I became more generous. I felt like equals with those who had fallen and faced shame and disgrace. Who hasn't? I found myself wanting to let others speak for their own character rather than wanting to judge for myself. I found myself allowing others to change my mind because for once I was listening.

I have come to life in a new way in the last weeks and months. I thank God. I ask you, trust Him and pray and watch Him mold your life. He asks faith, but that He also gives. He is a generous, beautiful, good God. Read the Bible, offer up the most meager of prayers. Show up, and God will meet you there.

Spring wildflowers on the trail to Romero Pools.