Monday, June 24, 2013

Cheesy Books

The cover isn't half bad, but it's kinda trite. 
And expensive. 
Strike two. 

My hands were fingering the crisp pages of new book at the bookstore. I had been expecting, truthfully, a little bit of a monstrosity. We're talking 90s primary color swirls with cheesy captions that almost involuntarily draw the words out your mouth: "I'm buying this for a friend."

So on the bright side, it was already exceeding my expectations.

I sat down with it for a moment. If it was truly terrible, I was prepared to tell her that this kind of 'daily wisdom' book really wasn't my thing (I mean, where was the meat?), and I didn't feel that this particular one would benefit me. And did I already say it was expensive?

But alas.

I read "January 1st's" entry, and various other random dates. My reaction alternated between muted annoyance at airy-fairy generalities and genuine appreciation of the nuggets of wisdom. I became aware that my expression was that fixed knit-brow that I wear when I'm trying to find the hard, cold, granite floor of an issue.

But you know what? I didn't sign up for counseling so that I could "outsmart" (or outpride?) my counselor. Maybe it will be a good read, and maybe it won't, but if I'm doing this, then I need to submit myself fully to the process. To her. Even if the book does turn out to be cheesy.

~~~

I decided to enter myself in counseling about a month ago, and had my first session recently. I've quietly watched my whole broken family go through counseling - amazingly rather simultaneously - over the last couple years, and I've watched them make deep and bountiful change in their lives. They are each a testament to the power of working through one's past. I know I have some family things to sit down and hash out, but I was mostly contented with doing some reading for awhile. It's easy to put off when for all intensive purposes, you basically function well.

But I became convinced that it was time when two things happened: first, I learned about a Christian place that could take my insurance, and second, I realized that some of the things I need to work through are never going to steal the show publicly. Because after all, I do function well, and am for the most part quite happy. I could probably go the rest of my life without ever really digging into those places and not be too far off track.

But I wouldn't ever know what those hidden things stole from me if I hadn't. And my guess is, the theft would be priceless.

For that matter, I think most of what haunts us does so underneath the surface. I want to go there, and root it out, even if it's painful. And even though I know my friends love me and are there for me, I don't want to put strain on our friendship by making them do that work with me. Nope. This is going to be a workout, a journey, a blast from the past (ha!) and probably some other things as well.

And it may involve some cheesy books, but who cares? I can get off my high horse for that. It's worth it.